canadian in the elevator
how long have you lived here?
quiet, you think it's quiet here?
[there is art in the elevator
glued to the wall, not a joke
drawings of eggs and a jpeg
of the leaning tower of pisa
glued to the wall by the man
living in the basement
he is supposed to be there
he fixes things here
his name is eduardo and mostly
i do not question eduardo's
sense for interior design]
i moved here for no reason,
says the canadian
i moved here to work,
she says, but there is none
i grew up here, i say,
and yes, there is no work
there is no work
###
[December 2017]
Mom,
There's a good chance you won't read this.
There's a good chance I will fail and destroy this.
The way things have been going, I will maybe fail.
But if I don't fail, I will never see you again, I think.
And I'm more sorry for this than for anything else.
(I mean I'm sorry for a lot of other things, too, but nothing gets close to this.)
I've lived enough to know what it's like to be not alone.
(I mean I know what it is to be loved.)
Even though I'm truly alone now, you should take comfort in that.
I could be alone forever now, or I could just be gone.
I might not be alone, though.
Really I don't know what will happen or if there is something next, something more.
So maybe we will be together again sometime.
If I knew anything for sure, I probably wouldn't do this.
The only thing I'm certain of is the miserable life I'll have if I do continue living.
(And I'll make your life so horrible.)
None of this is your fault.
It is my fault.
I love you more than anyone.
That will never change.
Your son
###
Z.H. Gill edits Burial Magazine.