There were one billion guys at the Oscars. They were collectively up for Best Actor for their starring role(s) as one billion guys in the feature film One Billion Guys. A few years ago, a guy who played two guys - twins - won Best Actor for his role(s) in the movie Twins, a remake of the 1988 classic, Twins. It was impressive how he managed to play both the big one and the little one so believably without any special effects, the actor expanding and contracting his skeleton like a true shapeshifter of the silver screen. At first, there was a lot of praise. Then, of course, controversy. Something about twin representation, something about one guy pretending to be two guys not being okay. They rescinded his Oscar and beat him with the small golden statue. Now he only plays one guy per movie. One billion guys don't have this problem because they are one billion guys playing one billion guys. There was a bit of hubbub, a spot of hullabaloo, around the copious amount of "unnecessary" sex scenes in One Billion Guys. At first, people thought the one billion guys were related and everyone was being subjected to thinly-veiled incest porn disguised as prestige filmmaking. Then people considered the logistics of that and realized that the one billion guys had to be clones - in which case, it's really just high-brow masturbation - or some secret third thing. Maybe an alien monolith here to observe and judge our culture and determine if we were ready to join the Intergalactic Federation of Planetary Nations. Once the Oscar committee considered that, one billion guys were a shoe-in for nomination. The Dolby Theater was very cramped as Vin Diesel announced the winner for Best Actor. It was one billion guys! One billion guys got misty-eyed and slowly made their way to the stage, which immediately collapsed. Vin Diesel handed them one billion small golden statues and the economy immediately collapsed. One billion guys congratulated the other nominees and thanked God and their parents in the vaguest of terms. The air was very thin in the Dolby Theater as there wasn't enough air for more than one billion guys. Before I passed out, I thought I was glad one billion guys won Best Actor. Acting like who you are doesn't seem very impressive until you think about how few people actually do that.
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Travis Shosa (they/them) is a writer from Spring, TX. They run Dodo Eraser, a lit mag and reading series, and you can find their creative writing in places like Stanchion, Maudlin House, BRUISER, Eulogy Press, Burial Magazine, Some Words, and others. You can find their music journalism at Pitchfork, Bandcamp Daily, The Line of Best Fit, PAPER, and others. This is one of many stories from an in-progress manuscript called Great Losers, and they hope you like it.